What My Day Looks Like Tomorrow

Because it's a conglomeration of just how unlucky I am

And I've written about that before.

But yeah, tomorrow, I start off the day with Poetry, and I don't even know what I have to do for that right now.

Then, in Math, I've got a quiz. Which would be easy, except I have no idea if I've retained any of the information, since as good as I am at math, I fall asleep in every class, no matter how much I want to pay attention to the information, or how cool the teacher is (this teacher is just okay, but I was falling asleep in AP Calculus and the teacher then was fricken awesome). Also, I haven't gotten the textbook for the class yet. Incredible, huh?

Oh, and then I've got Non-fiction. I've got to lead a discussion on a somewhat bland piece, and probably have some knowledge of one of the other pieces we'll be discussing, I really have no idea what we're doing. Not to mention the fact that the piece is just somewhat bland. Which means that it's hard to say precisely why it's not affecting me. If it was good, it would be easy to find the problems, and thus discuss those weaknesses easily. If it was bad, I'd have a treasure trove of weaknesses to discuss, and a strength or two to mention. But it's bland. Which means the strengths and weaknesses are somewhat subtle. And trying to critique things like this make me feel childish for not getting something.

But really, the worst is in Lit Foundations. Never mind the reading that I haven't actually started yet. No, the real problem is that I've got a paper due for the class, too. The class itself shouldn't be that hard, I've survived and stayed awake so far. Not only that, but last year I wouldn't have been this far along in my paper by 10:30 the night before. And as for the reading; if I can at least get some of it done, I should be absolutely golden. The trouble is, it's quite possible that working on this stuff will make the rest of the day worse. If I'm up late finishing this paper, I might not even be able to stay awake through the test. I'd also be unable to keep my thoughts straight during the discussion. But if I don't do this Lit stuff now, I won't have time to take care of the stuff for Non-fiction.

I really should have noticed this earlier. I might have been able to switch out my time slot for leading discussion.

And another thing

There's another thing that I'd like to say about everyone I know. Not just my friends, but everyone.

You see, I realized recently that I want absolutely nothing beyond those basic animalistic urges (food, sex, sleep). And not in a "I have everything I need" kind of way. More like "I have no idea what I want" kind of way. Somehow, I've been completely purged of any desire whatsoever. And I blame everyone.

You see, a year and a half ago I had to force some friends to tell me what they were saying behind my back. You'd think I wouldn't want to hear it, but I did. Because it was important stuff that would probably have benefitted from me knowing earlier. Their excuse was that they didn't want to hurt my feelings. I have no idea if they were lying when they kept repeating that I was "too nice of a guy," but it basically amounts to the same thing; people seem to want to do the things they think I need, rather than what I want.

Everybody does it. I don't usually get a chance to state my opinion. It's gotten to the point where I've been conditioned to just accept whatever anyone else thinks is best for me, and I can't tell what I actually want. Normal people would be motivated. I'm just stagnated.

I just can't tell anymore, whether it's my fault or theirs, and I can't sleep with this on my mind.

I suck at friendship, basically. I can't tell if it's bad luck or some problem with me, but I've never been able to maintain a friendship. It's probably me, but not for lack of trying, and because every attempt I make feels like I'm barely getting any effort from the other end, I just start resenting my friends for abandoning me every time I don't hear from anyone for more than a month.

Did I mention that I can sometimes go without speaking to anyone for a full week. It's happened. I don't know why. I don't know how. It really, truly hurts. You'd think it wouldn't be physically painful, but it is. It actually is.

If anyone's reading this...

I've got nowhere else to write this out at this point, but I've been feeling lately like every single friendship I've ever made has been completely one-sided. That's not to say that my friends don't think of me as a friend. I think they do. What I think they don't do is remember me.

Basically, in every friendship I've made, I've only ever been invited along to something if I'm lucky. I get the feeling that these people I consider my friends will do this often, but not with me. I'm only brought along if I'm standing right there. No one thinks to ask me to come along otherwise. No one will ever go out of their way for me.

I'm kind of in a catch-22. No one actually wants to do something when I organize it, but no one asks me to come along if I don't. I try to tell people that I feel left out, but I don't know who to tell, and a general announcement is all I can manage, and no one seems to pay attention to me when I complain about my life.

And, of course, it could be that I'm a poor friend to have, but I put that down to having no experience. I basically get the previews when people remember to include me, but I can't get tickets to the movie, and everyone else is already talking about the sequel, when I haven't seen yet because no one's letting me see that first movie. Basically, I can't understand how to be a better person because no one wants to hurt my feelings, and thus help me along. Well, besides listen to my problems. Which, of course, is all I'll ever need to feel better about myself. A few psychologists to talk to.

Seriously, whenever people do try to solve my problems, they treat me like a mentally retarded person they're oh-so-graciously being nice to. They don't realize it, but they just make me feel inferior. It seems paradoxical, given that my original complaint is that no one reaches out to me, but there are shades of gray here. Specifically, my problem is that no one reaches out to me in a way that doesn't feel like some kind of charity. It's a subtle difference, but I can feel it. It's the difference between being invited along because they think I'd want to come, and inviting me along because they feel sorry for me. Or, listening to my problems in the understanding that I'll listen to theirs, and listening to my problems because I just seem so troubled.

The biggest catch-22 is that I mostly put up my shell to keep people from having to deal with my problems if they don't want to hear it. But people seem to interpret me in such weird ways because of it, and rather than, say...

God, I don't even know what I'm trying to say here. I'm just lonely, and even though I've supposedly amassed quite a few friends, over the past month I've barely seen any of them, and none have actually seemed to wonder what I'm up to. Over the past year, the primary thing I've learned has been that, if I'm not trying to constantly show up in the faces of my friends, they will not bother to do more than have a polite conversation if we pass by each other. They will not make any effort to be friends with me if I step down my efforts to be that annoying guy who no one really likes but is always there. I can't have alone time for more than a day, because they will forget.

It's not true, but then again; no one's proven me wrong. And I wish I was using hyperbole.

I don't know if there's anyone who reads this anymore...

... Or if anyone ever did. It's almost impossible to tell. I haven't updated in more than a month, but this is better than Livejournal, so this is my official blog and it shall be that way. For a long time. Or for a few more months, who really cares?

Anyway, I don't have a subject for today, except to note that my dad said something to me the other day that pretty much sums up my life: I always find some excuse to never finish anything.

I got me a cold!

I have a curse. Every time I manage to start what feels like a steady exercise regime, and manage to go at a good time, at what should be three days a week, or every other day, but on a regular schedule, I end up getting a cold.

It sucks. Badly. It's my best excuse for going outside...

People Who Need to be Slapped

Part 2: Pokemon Players on the GTS

So, I've been playing the new pokemon game on the DS (Pearl version, since the signature pokemon is a water type. I like water types). I've got a lot of things I like about it. Nothing that would persuade anybody else to play it, but I like it. Especially the fact that I can make trades over the internet. And meet people to make trades over the internet. Without my little brother playing another version, I've managed to gain the assistance of internet peoples and gather nearly every single pokemon.

However, there is a dark side to this use of the internet. To facilitate trading, Nintendo created an in-game way of using the internet to trade pokemon; you put a pokemon into their internet servers, asking for another, and hopefully someone else will search for the one you offered, and decide to send you the one you asked for. The system is rigged so that you can only ask for pokemon that you've encountered before.

Yet this system has become clogged with horrible people. This system, the Global Trading System, is often clogged with people offering relatively common pokemon for others that are, for instance, event-only. So a lot of people are trying to make unrealistic trades, and thus it is harder for people to make realistic trades.

But if you're thinking that's the only reason these people need to be slapped. Because, if you'll remember, one can only ask for pokemon that they've encountered, and have been entered as such in their pokedex. And the only ways they could get these event-only pokemon is to have them already, because it's impossible to get the pokedex entry from a pvp battle, which is the only other way someone can see these super-rare pokemon.

So these guys not only already have their super-rare pokemon, but they're asking for more, while offering pokemon that any idiot could get.

How do these people not get slapped on a regular basis?

My Dreams

So I've started keeping a dream journal, in one of my spiral-bound notebooks. Did my first entry this morning, and it really is something sad.

I'll put it right out there; my dreams are pathetic. I experience them like I'm watching a movie. Seriously, camera angle was a major part of today's entry. It also was almost coherent as a story, but not a very good one. The worst part was that I was being played by Brendan Fraser by the end. Also, I had a sister, who at the beginning of the dream was played by a nude model that I've seen on the internet (although at that point in the dream I wasn't her brother, though her brother did exist), but by the end was being played by Halle Berry.

Never mind that I haven't seen anything by either actor in a while (I saw a bit of the Mummy Returns a little while ago), the annoying thing is that I can't seem to be fully engaged in my dreams. They're like movies. I'm always playing a part, sometimes to the point where I'll develop character traits that are actively nothing like my own. And not in a conscious vs. subconscious way, I mean that I'm projecting new sorts of traits upon myself.

Perhaps it's just because I'm unsatisfied with my own life. Except this sort of thing has been happening since I was really young, when I actually can definitely say that I was satisfied with my own life.

About my last entry...

Apparently, Steven Spielberg and Peter Jackson are working together to make a Tintin movie with CGI.

This beats everything I had in my last entry, and makes everything I wrote there seem like poppycock. Honestly, I kind of liked AI, so Spielberg doesn't scare me, and Jackson's a god.

Tintin

So, I was eating some haddock today, and I started thinking about Captain Haddock, and Tintin in particular. Which brought me to an interesting concept; who would be in the live action version of Tintin?

Yeah, it's an odd thought, but I've got the list;

• Paul Bettany as Tintin-- If you don't know who he is, he was the albino guy in The DaVinci Code. He's also described himself as "the poor man's Jude Law." Which is really the kind of person necessary to play Tintin. I mean, we're looking at Jude Law's general physical type, but not someone who looks like he can say "hello" and receive fellatio. Plus, the guy's not terribly well-known (at least in America, not sure whether he's bigger in England or not), which is a good thing for an iconic character.
• Russell Crowe as Captain Haddock-- He just seems to fit. I'm not sure why this has stuck in my head, but I have Gene Wilder in Young Frankenstein shouting in my head "It... could... WORK!"
• Steve Carell & Stephen Colbert as Thompson and Thomson-- So, we know that the two bumbling detectives would have to look similar, but that can be done with prosthetics and makeup. The important thing would be that they'd have to be a duo between 35 and 50 years of age, and have great comedic chemistry. And it's about time these two had a reunion tour.
• Geoffrey Rush as Professor Calculus-- I wanted to put Woody Allen in this spot. He'd probably do well in the role. Except he'd demand to write it. And direct it. And I can't have my fantasy film ruined by Woody Allen's personality behind the scenes. My fantasy film must adhere to the source material. My second choice is Peter Sellers. However, he's dead. That presents a problem. So why not pick the guy who played Peter Sellers in the biopic?

So, that's really all there is to the cast unless I decide to pick the story in which the movie franchise starts. I think the Blue Lotus would be pretty good, or perhaps Black Gold.

Heroes

Sweet baby jesus, I don't know if I have any ability to comprehend what I saw last night.

What I really enjoyed was that there were signs of an epic duel about to happen between Peter with his copied power of nuclear reactions, and Sylar with his ability to freeze stuff.

And I don't think I spoiled too much there, since Future Hiro did say that Sylar was still alive, and anyone who has any idea of narrative structure knows where Peter would be at the end of the episode.

It's just too bad that we didn't see this epic duel of fire and ice.

Only problem? I just sincerely hope that someone gets future Hiro's brain out of that room in the future, because otherwise Sylar could get ahold of it. And then the world is totally screwed.

Sequels to 300?

I wrote this as a post in a forum, in order to threadjack a particularly piss-poor excuse for a thread with an otherwise inspirational title. However, the mods felt that, despite my and other's efforts, the thread had to be locked.

Thus, I'm copy-pasting it so it may be shared with you all:

400

Visigoth messenger: This is madness!
Julius Caesar: This is ROME!

Then:

500

Englishman:This is madness!
William Wallace: This is SCOTLAND!

600

Nazi messenger: This is madness!
French Resistance: This is PARIS!

700

Communist: This is madness!
Richard Nixon: This is VIETNAM!

800

Terrorist: This is madness!
George W. Bush: This is TEXAS... er, AMERICA!

900

Martian: This is madness!
Robot King: This is EARTH!

And finally...

1000

Chimp soldier: ook ook oogook!
Gorilla king: oog oog AROOG!

I would like to point out that all of the above exchanges in no way reflect my actual opinion of how the events that would be portrayed in them actually are. Clearly, they are entirely historically inaccurate propaganda films, much like 300 was.

What is wrong with television...

I watch too much tv. This is bad for me. So, in an effort to dissuade you from making the same mistakes, I am going to, in single-sentence reviews, tell you what is wrong with the shows I watch religiously. Even though most of these are my favorites.

• Law & Order: Lenny Briscoe left the show, and then died.
• Law & Order SVU: Too much Benson and Stabler drama, not enough Munch and Tutuola drama.
• Law & Order CI: There was a recent episode that began with Under Pressure during the opening montage, and didn't extend the montage so that I could listen to the whole song.
• CSI Miami: David Caruso tries to be a tough guy while looking like Howdy Doodie in sunglasses, and wears a black suit in Miami.
• Cold Case: Every victim they investigate on this show has committed fewer sins than Jesus.
• Heroes: Why do we have to wait a week for each new episode?
• Scrubs: The last episode I saw was entirely made up of rehashing old jokes from a new perspective.
• The Daily Show: Since the Daily Show is actually more informative than other news shows, it's not just in my head that I get more depressed about the world when I watch this show.
• The Colbert Report: Sometimes, he's just too good at playing the role of the asshole pundit.
• House MD: It's medically inaccurate, and thus my hopes of being a doctor from watching this show have been dashed.
• Monk: Why does he always have to be placed in mortal danger from the bad guy?

I'm sure there are more to be added to the list. Some day.

Heroes is back! [major spoilers]

I'm giddy. So giddy that the homework I should be doing takes a back seat to this entry. Which will detail my take on the events that occurred in tonight's episode. Just don't read this and skip to the entry on Atheism if you haven't seen it yet. Let's begin the fandom:

• I totally called Linderman being the head of the group that Mr. Bennett worked for. Granted, I didn't do so great at predicting who Linderman would be, but Linderman being the bossman of both organizations was a keystone of my thoughts about the times to come.
• Who wants to take me on in a bet? I say that Old Lady Petrelli doesn't reveal her ability until the season finale, and that she resents having it. You'd be stupid to take me on, since it's practically a given, but I think we know right now that Peter and Nathan didn't get their powers from nowhere. I'm sure the fact that she was stealing a pair of socks in the first episode is significant to her ability, too. In fact, I've been certain of it since the first episode.
• The above notes would sound less like a self-important asshole who fakes predictions to sound right if I'd actually been able to document these predictions when I made them.
• Every time Claire appears onscreen with either of the Petrelli brothers, I really get creeped out. Even before she was revealed as Nathan's daughter, it looked like "creepy older dude and young girl have mutual attraction" material. Maybe I just read too much into it, and it's not like I don't believe the characters could be related, just that it's going to take some getting used to before I stop thinking "please step away from the underage girl, sir."
• Malcolm McDowell has appeared in three things that I've seen; A Clockwork Orange, Star Trek Generations, and Heroes. Now, he basically plays a villain in all three. The odd thing is, though, that in the first, he plays an evil person who is forced to undergo a worse evil to make him good, and then is abused by the world, unable to fight back. In the second, he is just an old man trying to get home, who can only do so by destroying planets. In this, he's destroying most of New York in order to make the world a better place, and has the ability to heal other things. What I'm saying is that the man knows how to pick and play his bad guys. These are not your "Me bad guy" evil guys.
• Future Hiro needs to teach Hiro how to better use the sword via a samurai duel. It would be greater than awesome. It is necessary for the betterment of mankind. Blowing up New York is nothing compared to the beneficial effects of having Hiro and Future Hiro in a swordfight.
  

Atheism

I honestly can't say how I started thinking about this topic a few minutes ago, but I felt it was something I needed to say. If you spoke to me about anything other than religion, you'd probably get the feeling that I'm an agnostic. If you spoke to me about the supernatural, you certainly wouldn't be able to think that I'm an atheist.

Basically, I have a very open mind regarding the rules of existence. Moral laws, matters of ethics, science, etc, if it's got a ring of truth, I'll be willing to believe it. Hell, I'm willing to concede that Intelligent Design is, by and large, somewhat reasonable. It's more of a sidenote to the theory of evolution than an alternate theory, but it doesn't feel entirely wrong to me that there could be a guiding force to evolution. I don't think it's really a counterpoint to evolution at all. If the fundies understood what they were peddling, they'd probably never be able to sleep at night.

Which is too bad, because I'd like for them to realize just who they are and what they're doing and never be able to reconcile themselves again.

Anyway, the point is that I'm an atheist. Very little of my doubts about the rest of the universe have been able to dissuade me from that position. I don't hate the concept of God, or of gods, or those who worship either. I fully embrace the fact that I have faith in the fact that there's no god. I even don't feel it's conceding anything when I'm interested in the supernatural, and am willing to believe that things like ghosts can exist.

I mean, the belief that everything that's happened so far is a completely random series of events (although they're not quite that random, considering that most of the events are effects of previous events) doesn't preclude a belief in things beyond scientific comprehension. There could even be perfectly logical explanations for a real ghost, even if we don't have the capability to understand it at this point in time.

That said, it seems incongruous that I'd believe that the supernatural could be real, and part of a natural process, yet not believe in any god. If I were talking to myself (as I'm apt to do), I'd probably label me an agnostic.

But I'm definitely not. I just can't believe that there is any higher power. I think and think, but there is nothing to suggest that there are real gods, anywhere. I mean, I can believe that there might be beings that are outside the normal natural spectrum. I just can't believe that they're anything beyond other life forms, basically in the same boat as you or me.

It sort of starts with how our concepts of the gods have changed over time. I mean, just the switch from polytheism to monotheism. That's a big shift, and yet it happened as a result of human struggles. I can't help but notice that every time in history that this shift occurs, it could just as easily be humans using their god to unite disparate groups as it could be the god himself doing it. Every time the preferred mythology changes, it's through a human vessel. That's suspicious. Not to mention the fact that, despite apparently being great beings who create and control the planet, they can't seem to keep their stories straight at all in different portions of the planet. There's really barely any similarities between the Norse and Shinto mythologies.

Then there's a slight problem with history. You see, for beings that are supposed to be present in everything we do, there's a surprising lack of involvement after recorded history begins. Most of what has been recorded of the acts of the gods are things that can occur naturally. Events that can be attributed to any god dissipate the closer we get to modern times. Now, I'm sure someone will say that this could be God testing us, but it seems like there's a very perfect inverse correlation between what we know about the world, and how many events we ascribe to divinity.

I'd say more, but it's 2:30 AM where I am, and I need to get some sleep...

Moonlight

I don't normally have too many problems with living in the city instead of back home. It's basically the same problems in either place, except at least in the city I can walk to most of the places I'd like to go. Which is cheaper than driving. It's also easier to get shoes on my feet than to get ahold of one of my family's cars, even though at this point I believe we have one car for each of us. It's just that around half of the cars are broken down at any one time.

That's not what this is about, though.

So, yeah, what counterbalances the fact that I don't have the ability to do anything interesting at home is that, when I'm at college, the city's lights drown out the night sky. Plus, the moon doesn't seem to pass through my dorm room's view, which is otherwise superb. Instead, I get a bunch of street lights. Granted, I have a nice view that, at times, makes the street lights beautiful (like when it's snowing), but it's nothing like when I'm at home.

I live out in a rural area. We don't even really get the city lights on the horizon. On a clear night, the only light is coming from the sky. It's a perfect shade of blue, really. I like it at about midnight, when usually all lights in the house are off, and the moon is visible from my bedroom window. Then, sometimes the moon is full, and it will come through my window, and it's about as bright as the glare of the sun off of a piece of glass. And if there are no clouds out, there's a lot of starlight, and it looks like I could just walk around outside, with no real problem seeing.

The fact is, I like the night precisely because of the times when I can sit in bed and look out the window, totally awake, but in a completely dark room, and just look at the moonlight hitting the ground, and the brightness of the moon. I really wish I could show everyone what it's like, because I can't do it justice in words, and there's no way to take a picture of what amounts to the effects of having almost no light.

It's beautiful.

Did you know that...

I've been told by multiple people that ringing in the ears is supposed to mean that someone is thinking about you. It's been clarified for me that the left ear means that the person is thinking negative thoughts, and the right ear means positive thoughts.

Odd thing is, I've been experiencing a constant, soft ringing in my left ear for a couple of days, normally starting at noon. And a few minutes ago, I got a very sharp, momentary ringing in my right ear.


I say this because it suggests some odd things. One person can't seem to stop thinking about how much they dislike me. And another could very well have just achieved orgasm while thinking of me.

I don't really understand why either one would happen, only that I'd rather believe that my ears are telepathically receiving vague signals of the emotions of others toward myself, than that I should probably go to a doctor and get my ears checked out.

Two Things

You may have noticed an entry that's gone missing from my archive. This is because I told my mother about this blog. Mostly so my parents would know about this marked improvement in responsibility over my writing career.

You may draw what conclusions you wish over the fact that starting a writing blog is somehow a massive improvement.

The other thing is that I've found myself, today, listening to The Fratellis' song Flathead, and Curtis Mayfield's Pusherman. I recently bought them both from itunes, and haven't gotten them onto my ipod. Generally, when that happens, I'll listen to the songs in my "recently purchased" playlist repeatedly when I don't feel like listening to my ipod.

I only have those two songs in that playlist right now. I've had them on a continuous loop since the beginning of the day.

Odd thing is, I'm not tired of the songs, just embarrassed that I've been listening to these two and only these two for that long.

A Story About Zombies...

This is the opening to the rough draft of a story I came up with on Friday, when I watched Grindhouse (referring to the Planet Terror portion), Supersize Me, Requiem For a Dream, and almost got to see Shaun of the Dead. This is likely to be a novel of some kind. This portion, of course, is only the first page or so.

The commercial began with a shot of a man and a woman kissing on the beach. It was a passionate kiss. Their tongues were entwined like the double helix of DNA, and not the way it was shown in science class, but as it actually is entwined, coiled up over and over again to the point where a two-molecule-wide ribbon is somewhat visible when pulled out of a glass. Their bodies were chiseled far beyond the “greek statue” level, and were closer to the level of a comic book superhero, with at least twenty more muscles per square inch than is on a real human being. This kiss lasted for a full twenty seconds of the thirty-second commercial. The last ten seconds was devoted to both of the participants, now standing up, holding up pill bottles and speaking in unison.

“Try Burnex, and you won’t have to do anything else to lose weight again!” they both said with sickening smiles. While they spoke, pictures of what looked like the same two people, in the same style of swimsuit, and about 500 pounds more of fat.

“Available without a prescription,” said a disembodied voice within the space of the last second. It was clearly a sped-up recording of some ad executive who realized at the last minute that this was a somewhat important detail. If Alexander wasn’t comfortable on his couch, he’d have turned off the tv after such a worthless commercial. He’d have turned it off two hours earlier, in fact, the first time he saw it, but that was five minutes after he turned on the television, so that was out of the question.

The second time he saw the commercial, twenty minutes later, he’d smelled out the end of the commercial break. Alex had developed a sixth sense about when commercial breaks would end. It didn’t take much skill to know when a commercial break was coming, but it took a finely-tuned watcher to know by instinct when the programming was coming back. The third time, he was starting on a bowl of potato chips, and he wasn’t about to finish them in his room, because that would be pathetic.

Alex lived alone in a one-bedroom apartment. He had a computer that was about two years old, but it had a broadband connection. That was all that mattered to Alex. As long as he had enough processing power for his games, he’d have Shirley along. The computer sat on a desk which he’d placed so that it would face the tv. The only reason he didn’t normally sit at his computer while watching tv was that his desk chair was cheap, like all of the furniture in his apartment, and it made his ass hurt. The couch was relatively soft, and could support a butt very well.

“Today in medicine, we are profiling weight-loss drugs,” said the Brad Hudson, the anchor of the local news station. This was the moment that Alex was waiting for. Not necessarily to see the report, but just to take notes on how much it focused on a particular diet pill. Alex managed to survive on his own by supplementing a fast-food job with his blog, in which he made fun of the local newscasters. Brad Hudson, a vapid man with a tan about ten shades past orange, was Alex’s favorite target. “Thirty percent of America is overweight or obese.”

Alex went over to his computer to start up his entry. He looked up to see the obligatory montage of fat people, and then the diet pills, people exercising. Alex was now positive that this was about a diet pill. Brad hadn’t said anything that actually counted as news yet. And sure enough, he’d started up the intro.

“Now, Sfargadyne Pharmaceuticals has come out with a drug that they claim is the ‘magic pill’ that everyone has been searching for. It’s called Burnex. We sat down with Sfargadyne’s director of research and development to talk to them about what they claim is the ‘miracle pill.” As Brad segued into the interview, Alex burst out in laughter. He was at least grateful that the segment hadn’t begun with Brad making out with some chick on the beach. The man would have probably insisted on wearing a speedo...

Films I've Never Seen...

Yes, I try to go to the movies as often as possible, but I don't have any real income aside from my parents, and I don't even know where to look to rent movies while I'm at college. Plus, my parents don't tend to go rent movies while I'm back home. All this adds up to is that I don't really get to see many movies that aren't in theaters. To counter this, I've created a list in my mind of movies that I want to see, simply because I haven't seen them.

Warning: a film's inclusion on my list does not mean that I expect to enjoy the movie, just that I feel the overwhelming urge to see it.

1. Reservoir Dogs: I know far more than I should considering that I've never seen this movie. More importantly, I think too highly of it for someone who's never seen it. I have "Stuck In the Middle with You" on my Ipod soleley because of its inclusion in this movie. For pretty much the same reason I have "Singing in the Rain," but that's a whole other entry. The point is that it's the sort of movie I need to see.
2. Sean Connery's James Bond Films: I've only seen Goldfinger. Seriously. Hell, I could probably include the rest of the James Bond canon up until Pierce Brosnan on the list, too. But I'll stick with Sean Connery, because everyone says he's the best James Bond. It's just difficult to say how much I think Daniel Craig is an awesome Bond when all I can compare him to is Pierce Brosnan, who seems completely different in the role.
3. The Mummy Returns: I've only seen a few bits of it on TNT, and I was forced away from the movie for some reason when it was about a half-hour from the end. I also didn't get to see the beginning, though I caught bits of the middle. I'm a horrible tv watcher, to the point where sometimes I'll flip away in a commercial break during Heroes. Seriously. Now, of course, instead of showing the movie, they show The Scorpion King constantly. This annoys me.
4. Manos: The Hands of Fate (MST3K version): I'd very much like to go rent it, but I never get around to it. I don't know why I'm interested, I just am.
5. The Godfather: I'm not sure I'd be completely interested in watching it all, but I'd like to see it nonetheless. It's really stupid for me to have, at one time, been proud of my impression of Marlon Brando in this film and yet have never actually seen it once.
6. Star Trek (most of the movie spin-offs): I saw the one where Spock dies, and the one where they need to save the whales, as well as pretty much all of the Next Generation movies, but there are quite a few Star Trek movies from the original series cast that I've never seen. Like, I only saw the very beginning of the one where Spock supposedly comes back to life. And I'd really be interested in seeing the first movie.
7. What's Eating Gilbert Grape: I believe it's been recommended to me when I acted a lot like the main character. I'm not sure what that means, but it intrigues me a bit. Also, it's Captain Jack Sparrow and the undercover cop from The Departed, at earlier points in their careers. Which means that any "chick flick" they may appear in is now imbued with a certain masculinity, even if it was made before those roles. Though this may not be a chick flick. In other words, I'd need to see it to figure it out.
8. Brokeback Mountain: I'll admit it; yes, I did kind of avoid seeing this movie because of the gayness. I also kind of avoided seeing it because I don't particularly enjoy seeing even a well-made romance film. I also kind of avoided seeing it because I didn't want to see yet another movie on my own. It goes on my list because, in the end, I still do kind of feel I should see it.
9. Equilibrium: There's stuff that could be interesting in this movie. I don't know, once I got past #3 on this list, I've kind of just been randomly pulling things out of my ass. This list, at one point, was much more concrete, but since I first created it, I saw Seven Samurai, Ran, Apocalypse Now, Forrest Gump, Pulp Fiction, Citizen Kane, etc. In short, I've seen quite a few of the movies that used to be on my list.
10. Nausicaa: The Valley of the Wind: Honestly, I don't remember if that's the title or not. I saw a badly-subtitled version a while back, but never had time to see it through to the ending, and it was only divided up to four chapters on the dvd. So, what I'd like to see is the version that's subtitled, or even dubbed over, by English-speakers. I believe such a version exists.
    

Laws of Nature

• The Law of Pie-- Otherwise known as the Law of Monkeys. As it is impossible for a human mind to be truly random, any attempt at randomness from a human being will result in a particular thought process. The first step is to come up with one of three categories: Food, Animals, and Celebrities. The subject will then attempt to pick out what they believe is the most random object of the three categories. For food, the basic object is always pie. For animals, it is monkeys. For celebrities, it will be different for every person, though that person will always pick the same one. Only by recognizing this law can it be broken. (By the way, my celebrity is Tony Danza. Which is fairly odd, considering I've never actually seen him in anything, aside from in clips from his tv shows, shown on other shows).
• Law of Tiredness vs. Emotion-- This rule is quite simple; the closer one gets to having his or her body simply shut down and go to sleep where they're standing, the more likely they won't care if their mother's face is blown off in front of them. This is why it's best to watch a horror movie late at night, and a soap opera at around noon. Watching horror movies during the middle of the day will just make it scarier, despite what you may think. Yes, I'm right. Shut up.
• The Inverse Spelling Champ Rule-- The more a person is able to spell words like "Antidisestablishmentarianism" without using a spell-check, the more likely they'll accidentally spell "the" as "teh."
• The "We Won WW2" Rule-- The more times and the more forcefully someone says "If it weren't for America, we'd all be speaking German," the more likely they believe that Russia was one of the Axis powers.
• Addendum to Godwin's Law-- The more an online person is afraid they're going to lose the discussion, the quicker they'll claim to have won the argument by invoking Godwin's Law and claiming that comparing something to Hitler is a way of losing the argument, despite Godwin's Law actually regarding teh comparisons as perfectly valid.
• The Rule of Fandom-- Even if the creator of the original work believes the change makes the new version better, a group of fans of the original version will disagree and vow to kill anyone who thinks otherwise. See: H2G2 (film version), Star Wars (Special Edition/Prequels).
• Law of Lists-- A list of short pieces of information and entertainment will hold a person's attention for far longer than an essay. See: VH1 (pretty much the entire programming schedule), This blog (this entry).
  

A Note

I've decided that simply including my non-fictional writings is going to get dull. To put it simply, my mind is so shaped by other writers that I don't have any truly new and interesting perspectives. Certainly, being a geeky college sophomore doesn't help me find an original perspective.

So, in the interest of not misusing what is a pretty damn good title to this blog, I'll start using it to write some of my fiction. Not all of it, just some of the stuff. Like the occasional chapter of a story I'm working on. Or an excerpt, I'm not sure how long I'll want to keep these entries.

The whole point, of course, is to have at least one blog entry every day. Which is difficult for me to do.

I'm so thirsty...

This is not a serious political essay. I don't have any new perspectives on the world. They're pretty much all shaped by the opinions of others. I'm what some might call a nodding head, except I nod in quite a few directions, so it looks like I take in a diverse group of opinions. No, this is something rather stupid.

I'm eternally thirsty, like Tantalus. Except instead of being constantly hungry as well, my hunger is constantly being over-sated. Anyway, that part's a completely different rant. No, this is about something far more odd; my constant thirst.

It began in middle school. Well, 7th grade. For some people, that's the middle of middle school, but it was the beginning for me, since my district had a middle school building that was too small for three grades when I was there. Anyway, it began then. I'm not sure why, but I believe I blamed it on the fact that my school had two floors and a basement, so I spent a lot of time running up and down stairs. Compared to my elementary school, which only had one staircase (which was about three steps, and right next to the handicapped ramp), it was like... a very tall staircase, I can't think of a good analogy.

Except it didn't stop when I stopped having to constantly be walking up and down stairs. It didn't stop when I was in high school, and didn't have gym anymore. It hasn't stopped now that I have access to large amounts of liquid refreshment in college, and can spend most of my inter-floor travel on the elevator. It could be that I'm just too fat, but I wasn't really that fat in middle school. Now, of course, I have my favorite brand and flavor of potato chip, but that wasn't part of my life when the thirst began.

My theory is that I'm actually destined to be a vampire, except that the vampire that was supposed to bite me in the seventh grade got lost on his way over the Atlantic, or on the Maine turnpike. So I'm feeling the thirst as destiny intended, but I'm missing the key part of that thirst, which is that it's for blood, because destiny fucked up.

I don't really think that, of course, but I'm indulging myself by writing this whole post, so why not have an absurd theory. Maybe I should do those more often...

How To Deal w/ an Internet Troll

So, a couple of days ago, I ended up in not one but two debates with a single internet troll. If you don't know, a troll is someone who intentionally riles up reasonable members of a forum or chat room. The troll does this so that he can get off on something other than humping his mother's leg. The trouble is, while I find my approach to be effective in neutralizing idiots, there are other people, including close personal friends, who usually end up making things worse. So this is a step-by-step process for all of you who can't seem to shake internet trolls...

1. Take a deep breath. Do this especially the first time you respond, and for every response afterward. Yes, the troll is trying to make you angry. The troll is also trying to make you look like a defensive ass. When the troll is actively trying to debate via his tactics, he's also trying to make you lose just by making you want to attack him physically. So remain calm, and remember the first thing the troll will say the minute someone who can still think gets angry: "It's just a forum/chatboard/the internet." He's right, but he's also going to be a hypocrite, given how vigorously he fights for his ego to be sated in this place. Stay calm, and treat this guy as if you don't feel threatened.
2. Address all reasonable points. And nothing else. This mostly applies to the trolls who are actually engaging in the thread they're trolling in. To keep any previously-made allies, the troll will usually have an actual opinion, with occasional evidence to back it up. Work with that part, as if he's making reasonable points. Dismantle his faulty logic as if it were made of honest mistakes. Make him come closer and closer to either pretending to respect you as a person, or looking like a malicious bastard. Either way, he'll start attacking you here. Which brings us to step 3.
3. Maintain a polite tone at all times. Now, I haven't always been able to do this, but the important thing is to always remember; if you're engaging a troll, you're here to make him look bad. Essentially, you're trolling the troll. Which means you've got to make sure that you look as much like an angel as possible. Do not flame, do not condescend, occasionally compliment him for his finely-honed argument. He will either ignore it or call it sarcasm. It most likely is sarcasm. The point, however, is that you will, eventually need to get to step 4, which requires you to get angry. If you sound like you're seething with rage, you'll just look like a whiny child, and the troll will remind you of this.
4. Be diplomatic, but have a single post where you give up on him. That is, continue to avoid flaming. You can, however, be condescending. Show that you're angry at this guy in about three paragraphs. Word it carefully. If you do it right, you'll be able to convince the troll's allies that he is a troll. If you do it even better, his response will do it for you. You've been logical all this time, but now you're pouring out your emotional reaction. Remember, though, don't take him too seriously. If you can, head him off at the pass and claim that he's taking this all too seriously, because no matter what he claims, he's taking it just as seriously as you are.
5. Ignore him. Don't respond to his response to you giving up on him. That just makes you look weak. And at this point, you want to reduce him to the animal urges. Let him say that you're just running away. You've made your point, and as long as you're not around as a sounding board, he's made his. Hopefully, other people will begin to follow suit. If you feel like being a good samaritan, complain to a mod.
   
6. Continue ignoring him. If he begins a flame thread, ignore him. If he follows you to another thread, ignore him. You're not a punching bag. And, frankly, without you, he'll have to find someone else. And the more he does this, the more likely this someone else will manage to get a moderator's attention. If enough people believe a troll to be impeding things, a mod may take steps to get the troll banned. If you are in there with the troll on multiple incidents, you'll look like you have a grudge, and your involvement will help the troll.

So, I hope that's helpful. And I hope it works better than I think it will. Remember, you can't stop a troll, even by being reasonable. Just try to look better than him and get out when you can.

Corollary to previous post:

Note that I never once called him Rush Limburger. Because I'm polite like that.

And also because it's kind of third-grade. But I was so fucking tempted.

People Who Need to be Slapped

So, I figure this can be one of the regular features of this blog; a running tally of people who just need to be slapped hard in the face in order to better mankind. Not so hard that they actually get hurt or anything, just enough that they realize that this person standing in front of them doesn't like them. You know, putting a face to the people that the individuals on my list screw over.

Also, I realize that there are probably about five people reading this at the moment, but I'll gladly post pictures of you slapping a person on this list, if you manage to do it and be photographed doing it. Or one of their analogues. If it's an analogue (like an actor who played the person on the list) remember to ask permission first. Like, I might put Nathan Petrelli on the list, should he start doing bad things on Heroes. Unfortunately, you're far more likely to get to slap Adrian Pasdar, the actor who plays Nathan Petrelli, and that guy's okay in my book (his wife would probably be on the opposing list to this one, the list of people who need to do some slapping, which kind of puts him in a good position with me), so, you know, ask permission. And don't get angry if they say no.

However, if you're speaking to the actual person on the list (or, if I speak of a type of person, one of the people who are part of that group), feel free to not ask permission. I'd like to see the look of surprise. Don't do anything else, though. I can't reiterate this enough, because I don't want the FBI or CIA asking why I'm advocating hurting some of the people who I know are going to be on the list. So please go with a light tap, rather than something forceful that could get you put in jail for assault.

So, anyway, to begin the list (which is numeric only in that this is the order I come up with them):

#1: Rush Limbaugh
Included for: Turning "liberal" into a pejorative.
Now, there are many reasons that Rush Limbaugh is an asshole. He's a hypocrite of the worst caliber, he believes that Europeans are somehow the native people of America, etc. The reasons he needs to rot in Hell, though, are not the reasons he needs to be slapped. No, he needs to be slapped for his contribution to the english language. I don't know if he came up with the idea of using one of the most basic words of political discourse as a base insult, but whenever I think of that use of the word liberal, I think of Limbaugh.

It's sort of like the word "gay." It's used by conservative pundits and 5-12-year-olds as an insult. It's also a word used to describe, in a manner accepted by all sides, a large segment of the population. Now, both sides usually use the word to describe the same things, so those who use it negatively say that it's not really an insult, because those who use it positively use it, well, positively. This is bullshit, though. It's the intent of the word that counts more than the word itself. Occasionally, a word may have such negative connotations that it's not healthy to use for any occasion outside of talking about the word itself (specifically, the word "nigger, which is something I may discuss more fully some other time).

So, someone please slap Rush Limbaugh for me.

The Beginning of a Beautiful Friendship...

If you're reading this, you're either someone who knows me as "Saurian," or "Ar_Zimrathon," or my real name, heretofore known as "Sam." Actually, if you know me as Ar_Zimrathon, you know me as Sam, since I don't think there's a sole person who knows me from my livejournal who doesn't know me from real life. If you know me as something else, you're clearly going through the archives of this blog a long time after I've written this post, and thus are a complete tool. I know this because, as of writing this, I'm really not known by any other names.

Anyway, this first post is here to tell you all what this is for: This is for those seemingly profound thought processes that I would otherwise find myself posting amongst a bunch of personal issues that really don't go along with the most interesting stuff. So, here, I plan to post the mini-essays that sometimes come into my head. Stuff like politics, or movie reviews, or just my impressions of culture or human nature in general.

This is not scholarly shit. Which is why I'm using words like "shit" to describe what it is, to prove that I'm not here to be a professional. My career ambition is to be a professional writer, but I'm just a college student with a lot of things to say that don't come up in class, and not a lot of guts to say them when they do. My sources will be uncited, and I will talk about myself more than anyone else. I attempted to name this blog "Self-Important ramblings" but it was taken as an address for the url, so I switched it to this.

I can only promise that I will probably remain coherent, since I tend to alienate people who could make me incoherent, and that I will have somewhat nuanced opinions. In fact, I can guarantee that a quick read-through in at least one of my future posts may mislead you into believing I have an opposite opinion from the one that I actually take. I don't know when it will happen, but I'm certain it will.

So, please enjoy my words. They're made of letters!

PS: I sometimes have a sense of humor. I'm not sure if it shows, but feel free to laugh at me or with me. I don't care which way you go.