There's another thing that I'd like to say about everyone I know. Not just my friends, but everyone.
You see, I realized recently that I want absolutely nothing beyond those basic animalistic urges (food, sex, sleep). And not in a "I have everything I need" kind of way. More like "I have no idea what I want" kind of way. Somehow, I've been completely purged of any desire whatsoever. And I blame everyone.
You see, a year and a half ago I had to force some friends to tell me what they were saying behind my back. You'd think I wouldn't want to hear it, but I did. Because it was important stuff that would probably have benefitted from me knowing earlier. Their excuse was that they didn't want to hurt my feelings. I have no idea if they were lying when they kept repeating that I was "too nice of a guy," but it basically amounts to the same thing; people seem to want to do the things they think I need, rather than what I want.
Everybody does it. I don't usually get a chance to state my opinion. It's gotten to the point where I've been conditioned to just accept whatever anyone else thinks is best for me, and I can't tell what I actually want. Normal people would be motivated. I'm just stagnated.
I just can't tell anymore, whether it's my fault or theirs, and I can't sleep with this on my mind.
I suck at friendship, basically. I can't tell if it's bad luck or some problem with me, but I've never been able to maintain a friendship. It's probably me, but not for lack of trying, and because every attempt I make feels like I'm barely getting any effort from the other end, I just start resenting my friends for abandoning me every time I don't hear from anyone for more than a month.
Did I mention that I can sometimes go without speaking to anyone for a full week. It's happened. I don't know why. I don't know how. It really, truly hurts. You'd think it wouldn't be physically painful, but it is. It actually is.
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Hey this is Jeff from freshman year. Stumbling on to your blog from facebook, I'm sorry to read that you're having a tough go of things. All I can say to your troubles regarding friendship, is that if it feels forced (like you seem to say) then you're completely correct in suspecting charitable instincts on the part of those inviting you along. My advice would be to just not accept it. A true friendship feels natural. Don't think things like "I suck as a friend" or anything like that, because there's NO SUCH THING as "sucking as a friend". You're either friends with someone, or you aren't. Don't assign blame to yourself or to others when you simply aren't friends with someone. Just accept it, and look to someone else. There's no sweet science to friendship, much like there's no sweet science to love (no matter what anyone says). Just try to roll with things as best you can, and whatever you do, don't stew. If you find that you've gone to long without talking to anyone, don't just accept it, go out and talk to some people!
Best of luck,
Jeff
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