There's another thing that I'd like to say about everyone I know. Not just my friends, but everyone.
You see, I realized recently that I want absolutely nothing beyond those basic animalistic urges (food, sex, sleep). And not in a "I have everything I need" kind of way. More like "I have no idea what I want" kind of way. Somehow, I've been completely purged of any desire whatsoever. And I blame everyone.
You see, a year and a half ago I had to force some friends to tell me what they were saying behind my back. You'd think I wouldn't want to hear it, but I did. Because it was important stuff that would probably have benefitted from me knowing earlier. Their excuse was that they didn't want to hurt my feelings. I have no idea if they were lying when they kept repeating that I was "too nice of a guy," but it basically amounts to the same thing; people seem to want to do the things they think I need, rather than what I want.
Everybody does it. I don't usually get a chance to state my opinion. It's gotten to the point where I've been conditioned to just accept whatever anyone else thinks is best for me, and I can't tell what I actually want. Normal people would be motivated. I'm just stagnated.
I just can't tell anymore, whether it's my fault or theirs, and I can't sleep with this on my mind.
I suck at friendship, basically. I can't tell if it's bad luck or some problem with me, but I've never been able to maintain a friendship. It's probably me, but not for lack of trying, and because every attempt I make feels like I'm barely getting any effort from the other end, I just start resenting my friends for abandoning me every time I don't hear from anyone for more than a month.
Did I mention that I can sometimes go without speaking to anyone for a full week. It's happened. I don't know why. I don't know how. It really, truly hurts. You'd think it wouldn't be physically painful, but it is. It actually is.
Sunday, August 5, 2007
Saturday, August 4, 2007
If anyone's reading this...
I've got nowhere else to write this out at this point, but I've been feeling lately like every single friendship I've ever made has been completely one-sided. That's not to say that my friends don't think of me as a friend. I think they do. What I think they don't do is remember me.
Basically, in every friendship I've made, I've only ever been invited along to something if I'm lucky. I get the feeling that these people I consider my friends will do this often, but not with me. I'm only brought along if I'm standing right there. No one thinks to ask me to come along otherwise. No one will ever go out of their way for me.
I'm kind of in a catch-22. No one actually wants to do something when I organize it, but no one asks me to come along if I don't. I try to tell people that I feel left out, but I don't know who to tell, and a general announcement is all I can manage, and no one seems to pay attention to me when I complain about my life.
And, of course, it could be that I'm a poor friend to have, but I put that down to having no experience. I basically get the previews when people remember to include me, but I can't get tickets to the movie, and everyone else is already talking about the sequel, when I haven't seen yet because no one's letting me see that first movie. Basically, I can't understand how to be a better person because no one wants to hurt my feelings, and thus help me along. Well, besides listen to my problems. Which, of course, is all I'll ever need to feel better about myself. A few psychologists to talk to.
Seriously, whenever people do try to solve my problems, they treat me like a mentally retarded person they're oh-so-graciously being nice to. They don't realize it, but they just make me feel inferior. It seems paradoxical, given that my original complaint is that no one reaches out to me, but there are shades of gray here. Specifically, my problem is that no one reaches out to me in a way that doesn't feel like some kind of charity. It's a subtle difference, but I can feel it. It's the difference between being invited along because they think I'd want to come, and inviting me along because they feel sorry for me. Or, listening to my problems in the understanding that I'll listen to theirs, and listening to my problems because I just seem so troubled.
The biggest catch-22 is that I mostly put up my shell to keep people from having to deal with my problems if they don't want to hear it. But people seem to interpret me in such weird ways because of it, and rather than, say...
God, I don't even know what I'm trying to say here. I'm just lonely, and even though I've supposedly amassed quite a few friends, over the past month I've barely seen any of them, and none have actually seemed to wonder what I'm up to. Over the past year, the primary thing I've learned has been that, if I'm not trying to constantly show up in the faces of my friends, they will not bother to do more than have a polite conversation if we pass by each other. They will not make any effort to be friends with me if I step down my efforts to be that annoying guy who no one really likes but is always there. I can't have alone time for more than a day, because they will forget.
It's not true, but then again; no one's proven me wrong. And I wish I was using hyperbole.
Basically, in every friendship I've made, I've only ever been invited along to something if I'm lucky. I get the feeling that these people I consider my friends will do this often, but not with me. I'm only brought along if I'm standing right there. No one thinks to ask me to come along otherwise. No one will ever go out of their way for me.
I'm kind of in a catch-22. No one actually wants to do something when I organize it, but no one asks me to come along if I don't. I try to tell people that I feel left out, but I don't know who to tell, and a general announcement is all I can manage, and no one seems to pay attention to me when I complain about my life.
And, of course, it could be that I'm a poor friend to have, but I put that down to having no experience. I basically get the previews when people remember to include me, but I can't get tickets to the movie, and everyone else is already talking about the sequel, when I haven't seen yet because no one's letting me see that first movie. Basically, I can't understand how to be a better person because no one wants to hurt my feelings, and thus help me along. Well, besides listen to my problems. Which, of course, is all I'll ever need to feel better about myself. A few psychologists to talk to.
Seriously, whenever people do try to solve my problems, they treat me like a mentally retarded person they're oh-so-graciously being nice to. They don't realize it, but they just make me feel inferior. It seems paradoxical, given that my original complaint is that no one reaches out to me, but there are shades of gray here. Specifically, my problem is that no one reaches out to me in a way that doesn't feel like some kind of charity. It's a subtle difference, but I can feel it. It's the difference between being invited along because they think I'd want to come, and inviting me along because they feel sorry for me. Or, listening to my problems in the understanding that I'll listen to theirs, and listening to my problems because I just seem so troubled.
The biggest catch-22 is that I mostly put up my shell to keep people from having to deal with my problems if they don't want to hear it. But people seem to interpret me in such weird ways because of it, and rather than, say...
God, I don't even know what I'm trying to say here. I'm just lonely, and even though I've supposedly amassed quite a few friends, over the past month I've barely seen any of them, and none have actually seemed to wonder what I'm up to. Over the past year, the primary thing I've learned has been that, if I'm not trying to constantly show up in the faces of my friends, they will not bother to do more than have a polite conversation if we pass by each other. They will not make any effort to be friends with me if I step down my efforts to be that annoying guy who no one really likes but is always there. I can't have alone time for more than a day, because they will forget.
It's not true, but then again; no one's proven me wrong. And I wish I was using hyperbole.
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